Dealing with conflict is one of the hardest things we have to do in life. And yet, it is something that comes up frequently. And the better we get at it, the better our chances for success.
One book that made an impact on me was Eat That Frog! I wouldn’t say it was a page-turner, but the concept is good. If you do the hardest thing at the beginning of the day, everything else seems easy afterwards.
Something I dread is making difficult phone calls. If I am afraid of how the other person is going to respond or think about me, I can dilly-dally a long time before picking up the phone and calling. But somehow, it almost always results in improving the situation.
If you get good at conflict resolution, you will be happier. The discipline that comes from doing hard things consistently improves your personal worth, your professional worth, and your capacity to flourish.
Sometimes we read the Gospel like a weather report and miss the wonderful drama that is hidden in its pages. In today’s Gospel (Mt. 18:15-20), Jesus talks about conflict resolution. Did you catch the tension?
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between him and you alone (Mt. 18:15).
It sounds so simple, but if you have any experience in family dynamics, you know it is not that simple. Just walking over and correcting someone’s behavior can be tremendously difficult. There are skills we can learn that make this more approachable.
Listen
Too often, we speak before we listen. If we are going to really solve the problem, we need to identify the correct problem. So the first step is listening. Do I really understand what is going on from the other person’s perspective?
We assume too much. We think we know the other person’s motives. Almost always, when somebody is reporting emotional distress brought on by a relationship, they describe the other person’s motives. I feel it is almost better to describe the actions, but be careful about assigning the motivations.
I remember a story about someone having a playful exchange with one of his sisters. She responded negatively, and it made him feel bad too. She assumed a whole series of motivations on his part, probably derived from some experiences she had with other people.
In a calm moment, he was able to share with her that she had misjudged his intentions. He was simply trying to connect. She took it as a personal attack. He was sorry to have offended her. That is important. We are not talking about gaslighting into thinking that he or she is the problem. But he was able to tell her with all sincerity that what she had assumed were my intentions simply were not present.
And if she had misjudged his intentions, maybe she misjudges other people’s intentions too. She could probably live more peacefully if she would tone down some of these hurtful assumptions.
We create unnecessary suffering when we become too confident that we know what is going on in another person’s heart.
Identify
Once you have done the work of listening, it is time to identify what is wrong with the situation. Is there a real injustice you need to deal with? Hopefully, you have already established some rapport with the other person through the listening stage.
You need to formulate what you think the problem is. Something helpful here is to remove a lot of the emotion. Write out the way you see the situation. Then, try to remove the emotion and the assumptions, so you are looking at it through a more objective lens. Sometimes, a brief consult with AI can be helpful for trimming the fat in your thinking.
You get to see your argument in black and white, but without the emotional charge it has in your head and heart. This can work wonders and give you a much more objective starting point.
Tell
Then, you fulfill the Gospel word. You go over and tell the person how you see the situation. You share with him or her what has happened and how you perceive the causes. Hopefully, this leads to a first resolution of the conflict. If the person does not respond at all, and the topic is worth it, you escalate it and bring other people to have a bigger conversation.
But you have to celebrate that you have made it this far. You have already had a better process than most people when trying to resolve conflicts.
Check your own heart, because it is almost always difficult to engage in this type of interaction. Once you get used to it, though, it is very freeing. Fraternal correction is a way that you can grow in holiness and help others to do so as well. And the next time that you receive feedback that makes you uncomfortable or defensive, come back to this Gospel passage and realize that someone is giving you an opportunity for growth and for sanctification.
The greatest obstacle is often not the lack of technique, but rather fear and pride. And this is a spiritual problem that, if you resolve it, helps free up your interior and give you the peace you yearn for. Conflict becomes an opportunity for love and holiness when we dare to listen, seek the truth, and speak honestly.
Listen. Identify. Tell. And do it all in love.
This very practical article was very helpful. Thank you, Fr. Sheehy.